| Hi. My name is Brandon. On many occasions I cannot resist the temptation to say something brilliantly stupid. In life I like to think there’s a difference between pleasure and happiness. Unfortunately I don’t think I’m as wise as I used to be. Sometimes I take comfort thinking that’s just the reality of maturing and becoming more of a realist. Other times I ponder if that could also be the alcohol talking or it's effect on brain cells. I can be an angry driver. When I am really frustrated I don’t even bother to curse but let out loud grunts and moans in a manner only rivaled by Chewbacca. Its those really old people that do it to me. What a sad irony it is that the very people with the least amount of time left on this planet seem utterly content driving at 10mph under the limit. I mean geeze Granny, you better put a move on it before you end up reaching your ultimate destination. That apple pie aint gonna bake itself. Some things about me still haven’t changed. I still tell stories and jokes that take too long to hold anyone’s interest. That of course assumes they even make sense at all. On occasion I even still take way too much pride in my not-so-skillful execution of corny pickup lines. "*Knock, knock* Know whose there? Emerson... Emerson who? Em-er-some nice boobies" (that will NEVER get old!) For those who dont know, what’s key to pulling off a successful pick up line is immediately following them up by pulling out imaginary revolver pistols just like Shooter McAvin does in Happy Gilmore. I mean nothing says "this guy is totally awesome" more than imaginary-gun-hands! Lastly but not least, I still enjoy placing bar fruits on random people's shoulders. If youre at a bar in the greater philadelphia area and you notice a mysterious lime on your shoulder, chances are I put it there with my stealthy skills so people would look at you funny when you walk by. If youre really a serious tool, I may line up empty bottles in domino fashion on the bar next to you while you look the other way trying to hit on a chic. When you realize youre having no luck and turn around to pull yourself together, youre going to knock them all over and make a ton of noise. All your game goes to shit and when that happens Ill think its just beyond funny and say "hey look at the asshole who knocked over all the bottles!" lol People often ask how I do it. The truth is that like Batman I was trained by ninjas in a small utopian village uncorrupted by modern material excesses. If you dont believe me, you'd be wise to check your shoulders for limes. You may call me Peter Pan, but I swear I’m growing up. You just wait. That Captain Hook is going to get what’s coming for him. |
